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Tag Archives: betty

Hunks and homophobia

16 Dec

Hunks and homophobia

As longtime readers know, my mom is a fountain of notable quotables. There should be an entire Jeopardy category for them. “What are… things Betty has said about cat hair, Alex?” My mother mistakenly assumes that I am mocking her when I write these things down. I just think they are too good not to share. Besides, everyone who meets my mom is charmed by her. So now, some choice Betty quotations from recent conversations. (more…)

Thinking about inking

16 Aug

Almost five years ago, and after about as much time making what I thought were empty comments about wanting a tattoo, my mother waltzed into an East Village tattoo shop and had a fleur-de-lis put on her inner wrist. That location was not her first preference; she had initially wanted the design placed on the part of her hand where thumb meets index finger. Todd, Trevor and I just barely managed to convince her that this was a bad idea. Today, while talking on the telephone, my mother and I had this conversation. (more…)

A play starring my mom

1 Apr

My parents came to town for a few hours yesterday. We had brunch at Ann Sather with Jen, Drew, and Traci. My mother fumed at my father because he had cat hair on the sweater. My father removed himself from all conversation not related to basketball. Mumsy kept calling Traci “Terri” for some reason, and she succeeded in embarrassing me greatly toward the end of our meal.

– – –

HOW MY MOM EMBARRASSED ME THIS TIME, a play

MOM: Have you heard about Annie’s crushes?!

JEN: Well, some—

MOM, interrupting: Well! On Monday she’s going to a concert with [established crush]. Now, you know Annie and how she gets nervous and overanalyzes things…

EVERYONE ELSE AT TABLE: Ha ha ha! No, you don’t say! Chortle chortle!

MOM: …but I think she should be confident with this one, because they have a lot in common. Now, she had told me about him last time I visited, and we saw him and I asked him about Fugazi—you know how she likes to tease me about me liking them—but she seemed convinced that he didn’t know she was alive.

ANNIE (mumbles): Moth-errr.

MOM: Well, I say he was just a little shy! So I put a Mom Hex on him! I just knew it would work! She has nothing to worry about. Now, have you heard about Whoa? Let me tell you about Whoa…

ANNIE: (crawls underneath table, dies)

-FIN-